Southern Etiquette

      - While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
this is a job that  should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.

  - Proper use of toiletries can forestall
bathing for several  days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good  money.

 - Dirt and grease under the fingernails is
a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

                                DINING OUT
 - When decanting wine, make sure that you
tilt the paper cup,  and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.

  - If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
    your fingers covering the label.

                         ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
    - A centerpiece for the table should never
be anything prepared by a  taxidermist.

  - Do not allow the dog to eat at the matter how good
his  manners are.

                         DATING (Outside the Family)
 - Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.  Be aggressive. Let her know you are
interested: "I've been  awantin' to go out with you since I read
that stuff on the men's  bathroom wall two years ago."

 - Establish with her parents what time she
is expected back.
   Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say
"Monday." If the latter is  the answer, it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.

                               THEATER ETIQUETTE
 - Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
  immediately after the movie has ended.
  - Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen.  Tests    have proven they can't hear you.

 - Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 - Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
 - For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
  cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks
and shoes for this special  occasion.

                                DRIVING ETIQUETTE
 - Dim your headlights for approaching
vehicles; Even if the gun is   loaded, and the deer is in sight.
 - When approaching a four-way stop, the
vehicle with the largest   tires always has the right of way.
  - Never tow another car using pantyhose and
duct tape.
 - When sending your wife down the road with
a gas can, it is  impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  - Never relieve yourself from a moving
vehicle, especially when  driving.
 - Do not lay rubber while traveling in a
funeral procession.

                            TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
 - Never take a beer to a job interview.
 - Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.
 - It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 - If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time
to change the sheets.
 - Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will, it  is still considered tacky to drive a
U-Haul to the funeral home