INTERVIEW WITH THE EASTER BUNNY
With the possible exception of Santa Claus
himself, there is not a
busier mammal on the face of the earth than the
Easter Bunny. Once a
year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of
hundreds of millions of
boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off
chocolates, candy and
eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. America
Online spent a few
minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing
for this year's
task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview.
If you thought you
knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.
America Online: Thanks for talking to us.
Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat
while we talk? (takes
out a packet of small green pellets) I've been in
a rush recently.
AOL: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions
here, compiled from
our members, and I'll just go down the list if you
EB: Ready when you are.
AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton,
Ohio. He writes:
"We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at
the North Pole. Does
the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where
is it located?"
EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a
located in San Bernardino, California.
AOL: San Bernardino?
EB: That's right.
AOL: You have to understand that most people would
have figured some
place like Easter Island.
EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a
rock! It's the single
most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the
time we shipped
fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San
Bernardino has the
sort of motivated labor pool we need.
EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.
AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.
EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate
AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe.
She writes: "Why is
the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have
been the Easter Kitty,
or the Easter Puppy?"
EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the
late 70s, we as an
organization decided to play around with the whole
"bunny" thing by
recruiting prominent local animals to deliver
Easter baskets. In 1978,
when the experiment was at its height, we had an
Easter Bunny, an
Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter
AOL: What happened?
EB: It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon
ate the eggs, the
coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may
say so, was just
about as dumb as a stick. There were some other
problems with the
program, too. The less we talk about the whole
Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we
stick with bunnies. We
know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies
don't eat anyone.
AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one
Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the
Easter Bunny for the last
couple of millennia?"
EB: The fact of the matter is that there are
quite a few Easter
Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that.
Unlike the Santa
Claus operation, which works under the improbable
assumption that one
guy delivers all those presents -
AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?
EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I
am saying is that
*we* don't work under the same sort of
constraints. I mean, think
about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several
homes across the planet? The friction from the
atmosphere alone would
turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd
be hideous charcoal
smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a
job description, not
a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier," except
our employees very
rarely become disgruntled.
AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?
EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny
until I say you are.
AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?
EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny
trail, I'll tell
you. First, for reasons already explained, you
have to be a bunny.
After that, we have a psychological evaluation and
a battery of
physical tests you have to pass. We can't afford
to have an Easter
Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.
AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?
EB: I don't want to name names. But one bunny
who's making a living
in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let
go. Any time a child
would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd
back away and start
snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets
are for kids.
AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.
EB: Prozac helps.
AOL: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to
know what are the
occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.
EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a
problem, of course:
one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies,
the next, a
Rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a
meat-filled sock. Nervous
homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a
year, as do edgy cops
and private security guards. We don't even bother
trying to deliver to
the children of militia members anymore; first
they'll plug you for
being on their land, then they'll make you into
jerky and a pair of
gloves. But you know what our number one problem
EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just
forget they're there.
Man, that's embarrassing.
AOL: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in
New York City. She
writes: "How does the Easter Bunny get along with
Santa Claus? It
seems like Santa gets all the attention." And I
have to say, I did
notice some tension earlier, when you brought him
EB (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know,
look. I don't want to
say anything bad about the guy. He does what he
does, and I do what I
do. Professionally, we get along fine.
AOL: But privately?
EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?
EB: He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom.
For one thing, he's a
prima donna: always me, me, me, where's my
highball, where's my corned
beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own
dressing room. I'd
rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford.
For another, he's
totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks
that Luciano Pavarotti
is trying to move into his territory. Last year it
was John Goodman.
He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked,
waving his pistol and
bellowing "Rosebud!" from the top of his lungs.
AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.
EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity.
Why? We do the same
job. Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving
perishable stuff. You
can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know.
stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality
control. The only food
product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You
could tile the Space
Shuttle with fruitcake.
AOL: We're sure you have your own fans.
EB: It's like opening for the Beatles, is all.
And he *is* the
walrus, if you know what I mean.
AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford,
Illinois; "Does the
Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that
happen, since the Easter
Bunny is both male and a mammal?"
EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay
eggs. So it's not
AOL: That still leaves the male part.
EB: We're quibbling on details, here.
AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.
EB: Sorry. We tried that in '78.